I've just spent the last half hour reading strangers most secret experience's and fears through a blog-share (where people post onto other people's blogs anonymously) and I found the whole thing just a little sad. There were thirty people who wanted the opportunity to post their thoughts and feelings in a public forum, but without their identities linked to the entry.
What many of these people felt they wanted to do with this opportunity was fret and share thier fear, hatred from their own personal lives. I realize very personally that throughout life we harm others, we are harmed by others and sometimes we don't resolve these feelings to bring ourselves closure. Many of these poor people have been harboring resentments for 20 years or more, and this makes me sad, that for the last twenty years these are the feelings they lay awake at night feeling, waiting for the oportunity to reveal them to the light and hopefully find resolution.
I can tell you sincerely, that I spent much of my life as a complete ass, I've hurt those I loved very deeply, I've been hurt and dissapointed too many times to count, I've acted callously and uncaringly to those most important to me. I can also tell you that eventually I learned from these experiences (and hopefully continue to)and forgave myself and moved on. I hope that those I have injured have found the same forgivness and moved on with thier lives, enjoying what they have and revelling in the good times of the past.
But listening to some of these tales of woe, left me wondering when and how I moved on. At first I thought it was like a alcoholics Moment of Clarity, but it wasn't. I didn't hit rock bottom, I may have felt the bottom brush against my skin, but I never really hit it with the impact to destroy a soul. I think I just got tired of feeling guilty about what I'd done, and for what others had done to me and just took one step forward, once it was behind me I could live in the moment and coping got much easier. The guilt faded away, the pain receded and I could smile at each new day. There are still bad nights, but they are few and far between. Maybe it was a book I read that taught me to move on, maybe it was one close friend I had many years ago whose incredible personality and tolerance showed me there was a better way to live life than to dwell on your wounds (and I wounded him many times), maybe I'm just a rambling idiot boring everyone at this moment.
Bottom line is... I forgive everyone in my past who may have negatively affected my state of being, hopefully you all already know this. I also pray that you have recovered from the pains I gave you. Now, lets all just hold hands and sing KumBaya by the firelight and enjoy the moment.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008